Oh dear God………

March 15, 2013

The idea might come as a whisper when God speaks, or when the Universe moves me in the right direction.  Once I decide to follow this whispering, suddenly all I hear is whimpering that grows fainter each day.

I don’t believe in God in the same way most religious people do, I am sure.  Still, I would pray with the children every night before I’d climb in with them.  Snuggling each to sleep.  Pillow talk time.  It was the only time each day that they would get my undivided attention.  And, I had theirs.  One on one.  In the dark.  Heads soft in the pillows.  This is when secrets were shared, ideas explored, and stories were told.

childs praying hands blog - Copy

Cassie was only four when she knelt by her bed exhausted from a day of arguing and fighting with her brother.  She was particularly jealous of his ‘older brother abilities’ that she had yet to discover for herself.  Before we pray, I tell her how God has a plan for each one of us.  And, with this plan, we are given our own special gift.  It is our job to discover, nurture and then use our gift for the greater good of all.  I was sure she understood.

Cassie prays, “Dear God, I know you want me to get along with my brother, Christopher.  And I know you want me to find my own gift.  I just wish you would speak up louder, cause I can not hear you!”

This is how I feel today.

I stopped writing about my journey with cancer, here in this blog, so that I can write for publication.  My whispering angels gave me the idea.  I am to write not only my journal, but, to incorporate true-life stories with my journal.  And, I am to find one-hundred of these stories.  One hundred.

It’s part of the title.

So far, I have found two.  I am already thinking that the title will be changed to Two (—undisclosed title)…not One-Hundred (—-).

Listening to the Universe is easy.  Following the path can get hazy.  I am groping in a thick fog unable to see all of the pieces scattered along the path.  Before, this was simple.  I already had a journal written.  A full year and a half of life with a husband, life with five children, life with cancer.  I just wrote each chapter into the blog and hit publish.

But, now, there is this blog, which is still a journal, but, it is now a current journal.  No transcribing from a pre-written journal.  And, now, instead of cancer, it is only about writing. Writing about writing.  Nothing about cancer, because the cancer stuff is in the book. There is also, the rest of the original journal, the cancer journal.  The rest of that year after diagnosis.  What do I do with that?  This makes me feel like I am trying to keep three separate journals; a current about writing, a current with research involved, about cancer, and somehow adding pieces from the past journal left off from the original blog.

I am driving myself crazy.  And my dear sweet angels seem to have hushed.

So.  Today, I make a plan.  First, I write a little blog post here.  Check in.  Update.  Think out loud.  Second, I take a chapter from the cancer journal, the one already written, and find a way to weave this into the current book writing.

The one with the One Hundred (–)   Two (–).

Oh this is so much work.  I miss the flow of just letting words flow onto the paper.  Well, they no longer flow from the pen, they are more or less punched onto a screen that looks like white paper.   Still, it was so much easier before.

Maybe I will just ask Cassie to pray for me.  She’s done well.  If anyone can get God to speak up louder, it is Cassie.

Pressing on the pause button……

Today I will pause.

Though there is nearly a full year’s worth of journal entries not yet posted, I feel a need to pause here.  Just as I felt compelled to sit down and to start blogging my journal entries a few months back, today, I feel this same inspiration to stop.  For now.

The last chapter installment of “I am Genki”, feels full circle.  How fitting that Cassie and I would both get (as she says, “our diagnosis”) on the same day—her positive pregnancy test and my positive cancer test, and this is where the story begins.  It seems only right to, then, end with the birthing story and with my feeling the cancer has now been zapped, sizzled and burned away.  And, my lab reports to be in the normal ranges at this same time.

Even though my journey with cancer continues and there have been many ups and downs since “I am Genki”, another idea has been brewing within me.  Another ‘book’.  A continued journey of the journal.  Yet, I yearn to use the journal entries with something that may be more important than just my own story.  An idea that slants in a direction that might make a bigger difference in this world.

I do not want to just live.

I want to live to make a meaningful difference.  Not to just ‘leave my mark’, but, to in some small way, inspire a change for the good of all.  I know.  That is a tall order and can even feel egotistical to think that one small person like me can make one big difference.  But, maybe if we each look deep into our personal passion and our natural born gift (and I do believe each and everyone of us is born with these), we are supposed to use them for the good of all. And, I believe that passion and our natural born gift are one in the same.  Passion points us to the gift within.  I, also, believe that it is not egotistical to think that this is possible, rather;

This is our duty.

Whatever that gift might be.  Discovering what our gift is can feel awkward.  Clumsy.  It is there.  Whispering through passion.  Listen.

And leap in that direction.photo (6)

And, maybe if I find that I am wrong about what I feel whispering within, the next picture I will draw is a major crash landing after this leap.  Maybe I am not good enough to be a published writer.  But I have to listen to my heart and take the leap.  Listen and leap.

I suppose, I published the first book of my journals in a blog with a secret hope that it might be good enough to seek publishing one day.  Real publishing.  Not just blog posting.  And, then, I later learned that publishers and literary agents look upon blogs as ‘previously published’ and therefore, will not consider these for their lists.  So, with book two of my journal, I will not post here and instead, take this year to finish it and to submit it for publishing.

To be honest, I am not sure that I can let go of blogging.  Already it has only been two weeks since writing Genki and I am having blogging withdrawals. I can not tell you how grateful I am for your support and encouragement.  With each day that I would hit the “publish” button on this blog, I would anxiously look for you.  Wondering if you enjoyed the post.

So, excuse the pause please, as I continue to follow those little whispering angels of mine.  I am so excited to explore the idea I have for incorporating my journal with another storyline/slant.

I welcome your comments and suggestions.  Did I leave you with any concerns?  Questions unanswered?  Ideas that you have for me to improve the writing or the way the journal is presented?

I look forward to hearing from you.

And, I am forever grateful for your presence here.  I wish you love.

 

psssstt…….maybe I will just keep posting here anyway?  Maybe take you along with me on the journey of writing.  Writing about writing?