March 15, 2013
The idea might come as a whisper when God speaks, or when the Universe moves me in the right direction. Once I decide to follow this whispering, suddenly all I hear is whimpering that grows fainter each day.
I don’t believe in God in the same way most religious people do, I am sure. Still, I would pray with the children every night before I’d climb in with them. Snuggling each to sleep. Pillow talk time. It was the only time each day that they would get my undivided attention. And, I had theirs. One on one. In the dark. Heads soft in the pillows. This is when secrets were shared, ideas explored, and stories were told.
Cassie was only four when she knelt by her bed exhausted from a day of arguing and fighting with her brother. She was particularly jealous of his ‘older brother abilities’ that she had yet to discover for herself. Before we pray, I tell her how God has a plan for each one of us. And, with this plan, we are given our own special gift. It is our job to discover, nurture and then use our gift for the greater good of all. I was sure she understood.
Cassie prays, “Dear God, I know you want me to get along with my brother, Christopher. And I know you want me to find my own gift. I just wish you would speak up louder, cause I can not hear you!”
This is how I feel today.
I stopped writing about my journey with cancer, here in this blog, so that I can write for publication. My whispering angels gave me the idea. I am to write not only my journal, but, to incorporate true-life stories with my journal. And, I am to find one-hundred of these stories. One hundred.
It’s part of the title.
So far, I have found two. I am already thinking that the title will be changed to Two (—undisclosed title)…not One-Hundred (—-).
Listening to the Universe is easy. Following the path can get hazy. I am groping in a thick fog unable to see all of the pieces scattered along the path. Before, this was simple. I already had a journal written. A full year and a half of life with a husband, life with five children, life with cancer. I just wrote each chapter into the blog and hit publish.
But, now, there is this blog, which is still a journal, but, it is now a current journal. No transcribing from a pre-written journal. And, now, instead of cancer, it is only about writing. Writing about writing. Nothing about cancer, because the cancer stuff is in the book. There is also, the rest of the original journal, the cancer journal. The rest of that year after diagnosis. What do I do with that? This makes me feel like I am trying to keep three separate journals; a current about writing, a current with research involved, about cancer, and somehow adding pieces from the past journal left off from the original blog.
I am driving myself crazy. And my dear sweet angels seem to have hushed.
So. Today, I make a plan. First, I write a little blog post here. Check in. Update. Think out loud. Second, I take a chapter from the cancer journal, the one already written, and find a way to weave this into the current book writing.
The one with the
One Hundred (–) Two (–).
Oh this is so much work. I miss the flow of just letting words flow onto the paper. Well, they no longer flow from the pen, they are more or less punched onto a screen that looks like white paper. Still, it was so much easier before.
Maybe I will just ask Cassie to pray for me. She’s done well. If anyone can get God to speak up louder, it is Cassie.